Since I’ve last posted, I’ve
had a troubling, food related conflict. Can I dump on you, dear readers? Can I
model what I suggest you should do—to express yourselves and reach out for
support?Colleague conflict
I love good chocolate. So it
follows that at holiday time I’d want to share the joy as holiday gifts to some
providers that refer to my practice. (Remember, this dietitian has a cupcake as
the mainpage image on her website. What harm in that, I thought?
Yet in sharing my intentions
with a nutritionist colleague, I heard a very different perspective. Namely,
that many office employees are trying to lose weight—so chocolates are the last
thing they need. Those who are obese hardly need the box of chocolate sitting
around the office. And since many are so anti-sugar these days, giving
chocolates is simply a bad idea.
Once I moved from my totally
speechless state (a rarity with me), I tried to be open-minded. Is it diet
sabotage to give a box of chocolates to be eaten in an office with many
employees—i.e. with little opportunity to squirrel them away, in the season of
New Year’s weight loss goals? Was I sending the wrong message as a promoter of
health, that chocolate—ok, they weren’t even exclusively heart-healthy 70% cacao-dark
chocolates but simply great tasting Belgian chocolates—are an acceptable snack?
Further, can those of high
BMIs be given chocolate (or cakes/cookies/highly-palatable foods)? Are they
entitled to enjoy the pleasure of great tasting desserts? Should anyone,
regardless of their size or percent body fat be given chocolates as gifts? I
mean, should we even be allowed to eat foods we truly enjoy?
Must we live an ascetic life
of food deprivation and denial—whether for short-term weight change or for life?
Is that a healthy lifestyle? Are we doomed to live secret lives—the model kale-salad-protein-smoothie-ingester
in public and guilt-laden, binge eater by night or by car ride?
Still on the fence?
Perhaps Jamie’s Christmas
surprise will do the trick. This patient’s sorrow and shame was revisited in my
office post holiday, as she described her Christmas disappointment. Her three
siblings dug into their chocolate-filled stockings, while she rummaged through
hers. Only hers was filled not with her favorite candies but with plastic
items. No chocolate indulgence for this
overweight young woman. A helpful, healthy holiday message? I don’t think so. A
supportive gesture? Hardly.
Let us not for a moment
believe that we are not entitled to enjoy life’s simple food pleasures. Yes,
you. Yes, regardless of your size.
For me, the conflict’s
resolved.
And for you?
For me, it is an individual's choice. There is nothing inherently wrong with chocolate, and I myself really enjoy a piece of (yes, dark) chocolate here and there. I know you're not a believer in food addiction, but I think there is the possibility of some chemical (or perhaps emotional) dependency on certain foods. The most frequently cited of these is sugar. I know when I eat more than a small (partial serving) piece of candy, I just crave more and more. So it's better for me personally to avoid it. That doesn't mean I would be upset if you brought in some chocolates to the office and I saw them; I'd have one piece, probably, or if I felt like I couldn't handle it, I'd avoid. Now, if you knew me personally and knew I was on a sugar restricted diet, or that I had diabetes, and you gave me, personally, a large box of chocolates as a gift, I'd think that was not a thoughtful gift. So it depends on what you know about the person, their desires, and just trying to be considerate to one another... but not making an assumption that the fat girl shouldn't be given any access to chocolate at all.
ReplyDeleteYes, knowing the individual and their wishes clearly changes things. If someone is feeling very out of control with sweets and has not yet learned strategies to manage their eating, I would probably get them a gift certificate to a behaviorally oriented nutritionist to start--followed later by the chocolates.
DeleteThere are many foods and conditions that cause problems for individual people. Chocolate is not a food to some of us. It it is a problem for me, it is up to me to tell everyone that it is a problem, and how evil that food is. Soon most learn, and rather than the lecture of the evils of chocolate, they remember and do not leave it around me. A few need to see it dumped in to the garbage to learn. It is a violation of my ethics to leave it where others can eat it. As a human it is not right to leave poison bait where the ignorant can get to it. Yes, I am an asshole.
ReplyDeletePerhaps one day you'll learn to make peace with chocolate!
DeleteTo me, gift giving is about the making the other person happy. I strive to give them something that they will enjoy (not something I would enjoy). So, in the office, how many people will truly be happy to receive the chocolates? How many will secretely obsess about the chocolates calling their name all day? Are you truly giving people something they will enjoy? Or are you giving them something that you think they should work toward being able to enjoy?
ReplyDeleteIn the same vein, I don't think it would ever be appropriate to give someone a gift certificate for a nutritionist (or a gym, or a therapist), unless they have specifically asked for it. It carries way too much judgement and may be humiliating for them.
Wow! Who knew chocolate would evoke such strong reactions! My two cents? If you think people will enjoy the gift of chocolate then give the gift of chocolate. No matter what their size is. No matter what your size is! And those who think it's "poison" - jeesh- then don't eat it! We all get to make choices. People-not their jean sizes- eat chocolate - if they so desire. And I assume your gift cert idea was a joke - and I thought it was pretty funny.
ReplyDelete+1 for Valerie's erudite comment factoring in the crucial component of empathy. For those struggling …yes…often secretly struggling with the concept of "normal" in the face of chocolate…or other culinary delights, the interior perception of such gifts as threats can be very real, frightening or destabilizing.
ReplyDeleteOf course…the gift-giver cannot necessarily know what the recipient is feeling…but I do agree with Valerie in the differentiation between "giving them something they will enjoy" versus "giving them something ...you think they should work toward being able to enjoy".
That said, bravo for a very thought-provoking article/offering Lori…and I agree that everyone…regardless of gender or morphology should feel allowed to partake in the grand tradition of culinary gifting…but a few of us (ok…more than a few I reckon!) are still striving to feel the "safe" factor in doing so.
Finally, I agree with Valerie's point on the "gift" certificate for a nutritionist (i.e. gym/therapist) unless requested by the recipient…Indeed..this could construed as unsolicited judgement…shining a direct, negative light on their seeming incapacity to accept a "normal" gift.
Honestly, on some level I have to agree with your colleague. It has nothing to do with the BMI of who is receiving the gift. We live in a completely toxic food culture where we are constantly surrounded by unhealthy, super-palatable food that is generally the easiest and most accessible choice. The problem is any workplace probably receives not only your box of chocolates but treats from many different sources. First, I think its important that we stop seeing indulgent food as the only way to 'celebrate'. Also, the whole 'in moderation' thing doesn't hold water in our current environment. I see this with my kids. Everyone (my in-laws, relatives, the school, daycare, Brownie troop, woman giving out samples at Costco, other parents, etc., etc.) think its okay to give out crap because 'its just a little' but my kids get 'just a little' from various sources multiple times virtually EVERY day. That's no longer moderation. I am a therapist and do weight loss counselling and personally I think people might find it odd if I was handing out indulgent treats. But then I do feel very strongly (as you can see) about trying to change the food culture we live in.
ReplyDeleteUnhealthy to eat a whole box of chocolates, sure. To have a piece of chocolate once in awhile is not unhealthy and should not be regarded as "toxic" or "poison". Giving a gift you think a person will genuinely enjoy is in no way a bad thing. I don't think Lori was suggesting giving chocolate to someone on a diet or struggling w an eating disorder or a diabetic. If someone enjoys chocolate, why not gift them what they like? I do understand what you mean about your kids but this is about adults. It's ridiculous, really that there is so much debate around this. It just shows where our society is. Sad state.
ReplyDeleteI think in Jamie's case, it was misguided caring on her parents' part (unless they were intentionally being hurtful). It's common to give cookies and sweets as holiday gifts, but it also can be distressing for people who want to avoid such things and have a difficult time in doing so. You are entitled to your beliefs about moderation or a place for any kind of food, but not everyone shares that belief. I don't keep all kinds of food in my home not to deprive myself but because I tend to eat them in ways that I don't feel comfortable with. Keeping it out is a matter of self care. I may eat them if they are available at a friend's house, but I'd rather not be around the item 24 hours a day. I'm fine with that, it does not cause feelings of deprivation in me at all.
ReplyDeleteWhile you can't be responsible for everyone's comfort around food, there is this kind of attitude in the intuitive eating community that is a bit condescending about the "legalizing all foods" motto and it can be rather obnoxious and insensitive to others. It's almost like some have this self-righteousness about their comfort and conviction about eating whatever they want and anyone who does not share this is somehow limiting or depriving themselves of a proper life. This is just my experience, at least, and not everyone in the IE community is like this.
But to answer your question, you can give whatever you want. You are not obligated (nor would it be reasonable) to take into consideration every person's individual preferences, especially if you are giving to a group. But you have to accept that some people are just going to toss out the gift if they are afraid it is going to trigger an eating reaction that they would prefer to avoid (like a binge or even just weight gain). And maybe you would want them to toss it as an act of their own self-care. I think it is important to differentiate, as Valerie said, what you want to give because you think they will enjoy it, and what you think they should work toward. Your motivation is what will properly answer your question. (nicely said, btw, Valerie).
You seem to be blissfully unaware of the concept of food addiction. And why on earth would you or anyone consider that feeding your body only the best, nutritious food is "deprivation"? By eating even your high quality chocolates you are giving your body empty calories that contribute to nothing except a chemical high and a continued emotional dependence on food. Disgraceful.
ReplyDeleteWell aware, but find no valid evidence for it. Do see my post on the research that's often cited on "what I learned about food addiction".
DeleteI, too, have had my journey with food addiction, but I'm finding that I can maintain my weight only by having no forbidden foods, or I am setting myself up for a binge. I have found that if I eat like thin people eat, which is to have a taste here and there of what it is that I'm craving that I do NOT break out into voracious bingeing. It's only when I have deprived myself of those things that everyone else is eating that I start to feel deprived, and that eventually leads to a binge. I am 40 pounds lighter, and on my way to my ideal BMI, but that doesn't make me a better person. I worry that the sugar addiction emphasis is going to be the newest way to shame fat people.
ReplyDeleteWow! People have a lot of strong opinions against chocolate! I was shocked to read these comments. To me, these comments are just a whole bunch of evidence that there are so many people negatively effected and suffering from our diet culture.
ReplyDeleteAnd for the record - I used to think something was chemically wrong with me that I couldn't eat sweets "in moderation." I was in awe that people could keep a chocoalte bar in the house, have a few squares, and put it back. I, now, am one of those people who keep chocolate and ice cream, etc. in my house. I eat a bit of dessert most days of the week - when I want it. It is not celebratory food for me. It is included in a well rounded diet. I have no urge to keep eating it. I worked with an exceptional behavioral oriented dietitian and a new way of eating is the result. I'm not unique. When I met my now husband, he, too, was a victim of the diet mentality and couldn't keep certain things in the house. I helped him to become an intuitive eater. For the first time in years, his weight doesn't yo-yo, and he keeps sweets in the house without issue.
PS: I have witnessed so many people who thought they had "food addiction" overcome it and, with support and learned new ways of being, realized they, too, can eat every food without triggering a binge or an overeating episode. To me, when peopel think they have a food addiction, it is simply one of the phases of recovering from a disordered relationship with food. If you keep working to full recovery, you will find you no longer have a food addiction. From my experience, from the experience of those I've witnessed, I solidly believe that.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading the comments and being damn late to the party, let me take an another perspective.
ReplyDeleteFood is an excellent gift for Lori's case. Bringing a box of chocolate or cookies or whatever else to an office where one may or may not know every person's preferences, deep psychological issues and whatnot is, frankly, easy as most people do enjoy sweets. Also, it's a conventional gift so it's least likely to offend or annoy even if it doesn't make everyone happy.
Being in sorta corporate world for a while, I've had my share of corporate gifts. Semi-disposable pens are the least annoying as they can be used up (in my case, spread among my underlings) but most of the stuff is cheap, tacky and mostly useless. Chocolates, at least, get eaten up even if everyone skipped their share and everything was downed by that damn thin woman who eats like a horse and remains thin.
In my previous job, we shared food a lot. Someone brought something, either offered it in case of something that was better eaten fresh, or just left it on the table and said Hey, I brought cookies/homemade sausage/raisins. We also exchanged Christmas gifts and, my, while I can understand the sentiment - we were good work buddies and everyone wanted to please the others - I'd prefer chocolate to keychains, candle holders and other trinkets. For that matter, nobody worried about hurting my aesthetic feelings, and after working as a graphic designer and having studied art history, I do have quite some. (And yes, some stuff is so ugly that I refuse to touch it. Brain does funny things.)
Let's admit it, life is not fair. Sometimes, triggering things happen. I prefer to be given a gift I don't like or even find annoying, I say Thank you and dispose of it. I would consider it insulting if someone started querying me about my health and opinions and whatnot, even to find out whether it's safe to give me a piece of chocolate. I mean, I do ask about general preferences (would you like chocolates? Or colourful stationery?), but asking about health status is a big no-no. Obviously, people do mention something on their own accord but even then, I'd proceed with caution. If nothing else, I've had enough of Hey, you're depressed? That's cool, I feel sorta down today as well, let's wallow in sadness together, and while I'm pretty open about depression and the whole mix of side issues, I do get tired explaining that it's not feeling a bit down. Bring me stuff with good intentions and I'll sort it out myself. Hey, even if I drink the whole bottle of chardonnay myself while lying in bed and feeling crappy, it's my own decision and I'll live with it. Even though the decision may not be fully rational.