Recovery from an eating disorder is still possible. Even after all these years.

Against all odds

She's not someone you'd expect to recovery. Decades living with an eating disorder, endless barriers to jump over.  But seeing the progress that my patient (I'll refer to as) Amy has made should provide hope to anyone who has long given up. Yes, recovery is possible. Not easy. Not quick. But possible. Please read through the end and share your thoughts with "Amy". 

In the last 50+ years, I cannot remember a time in which I was satisfied (even slightly) with my body.  As a matter of fact, I view it as disgusting and embarrassing.  Even at my sickest state, I was convinced I was the fattest one in the room.   In this point of my recovery, I deem it important to reflect on how far I’ve come.  Below is my life’s journey thus far.

It is uncertain to me why I have suffered from Eating Disorders for most of my life.   However, in my past, could lay the meaning for all of this.  My mom had EDs always.  My ED could be attributed to nature vs. nurture.  In other words, it was perhaps either a learned behavior or maybe it was genetically passed down to me.   It seemed important to my Mom that I should watch what I eat.  She was always suggesting that I should not have seconds at meals.  I remember my Dad taking us for ice cream when we were kids.  My mom would always get a diet soda so it seemed appropriate to me to follow her lead. When I was 8 years old I experienced a terrible trauma.  Even all these years later, I cannot reveal the details of this trauma.   All of these childhood memories are what, I believe, set the course for this ever-lasting emotional rollercoaster that is my life.

As I was preparing to graduate from high school, my ED became quite severe.  I was passing out on a daily basis.  My pediatrician told me that I was being “ridiculous”; I did not need to lose any weight and to just “eat more”.  It was at this time that I realized that if I ate just enough, it would not raise suspicions. It was also in my teen years that I started to self-harm.  I did this to the point of being certain it would kill me.  I didn’t care.  These behaviors even led into my adult life.

At the age of 23, I was married and eventually had 3 kids.  During this time, my behaviors somewhat subsided until my husband began drinking heavily.  This not only effected him, but it also effected me and our children.  What at first seemed like a “silver lining” was actually the calm before the storm.  I became engrossed in my ED once again.  All my behaviors emerged all at once.  I was unable to sit with my family at the kitchen table during dinners.  I would make my own “safe” foods and eat at the counter while doing chores while I ate.  Even as an adult, I was still following my Mom’s lead.

After 20+ years of marriage I finally somehow found the strength to separate from my husband.  As I began trying to pay our bills, it quickly became apparent that there was no money left in our joint accounts.  I had to begin again.  This stress increased the frequency of my ED behaviors.  I became quite sick again.  I refused to admit it.  My foggy brain kept me from the reality of my life.  Even when close friends and family claimed I needed help, I thought they were just trying to make me fat.  Kathy, my therapist, challenged me to attend an intake interview at an ED treatment center.  She even called them for me.  I went in order to prove my point – I do not need help!

Getting help--no quick fix

What I thought would be one hour out of my day, turned out to be four years of my life.  Since that day, I have been in residential 3 times, and PHP and IOP too many times to count.  After each stay, I felt like a failure.  I’m not sure if I felt this way because I couldn’t be cured from my ED or because I was letting my treatment team talk me into eating. Insurance was not a great help.  They would only approve 2 weeks max in resi for my first 2 stays. I would be discharged from residential and immediately make excuses for using just 1 or 2 behaviors.  “That’s better than all of them”, I would assure myself.  My outpatient treatment team were instrumental in convincing my insurance company to extend my treatment in my last resi stay to 6 weeks.  Upon discharge, I thought I was cured.  I felt great for a few weeks before the ED got into my head again.  I relapsed.

I overcame that relapse thanks to the support of my RD, Lori and the rest of my treatment team.  She could see through the ED lies.  She knew I was relapsing even before I did.  Yet I've turned it and I’ve had many accomplishments in the last few months:

I dug myself out of financial debt.

I eat my meal plan consistently

I’ve attempted to move away from “safe” foods.

I haven’t used ED behaviors in 3 weeks.

I’ve enrolled myself into a 16-week DBT group.

These are all accomplishments that I would not have believed possible even 3 months ago.  I will strive to add to this list within the next 3 months.  I feel more peace and contentment in my life now than I have ever before.

The journey isn't over. But recovery is in site

Even though I reached so many incredible accomplishments, that is only the beginning of the end of my recovery. Today, there a different challenges to face. Being closer to recovery than ever before, I am now terrified of losing my ED.  It’s been my stress control, my safety net, my numbing against my life.  How do I let go of it when I may need it again?  What if I can’t get it back? Even though I know that it is in my best interest to continue to move forward with my recovery, part of me does not want to let go of my ED forever.   My goal going forward will be to use my “wise” mind to conquer these thoughts.  I want to be able to look in the mirror and think, “I am who I am; I’ve done the best I could, given my circumstances, and I am proud of what I’ve accomplished”.  I WILL continue to fight and learn to love myself, whoever that may be, “Against All Odds”

Here's another recovery story you might like:

http://dropitandeat.blogspot.com/2014/03/theres-no-gift-like-recovery-and.html

Essential Weight Loss Tips? There Has to be a Better Way.

A winter storm has its risks. The biggest? It keeps me home with time on my hands trolling the Twitter feeds and Facebook messages. I read, filter my thoughts, read, filter, read—and then I can’t take it any more and feel the need to speak out. Earlier, I tweeted: ‘The only #cleanse you should be doing is a facial one. You know, soap & water or alternative. GI cleanses are disordered’, after reading an MD’s unintelligent praise of ‘cleanses’ (in quotations, because there’s nothing cleansing except your perception that you are removing those treacherous toxins.)

Then I came upon my professional organization’s tweet, “If you're hoping to lose weight before winter's end, these tips can help!” with this link. http://www.eatright.org/Public/content.aspx?id=6847

It’s hard for me to say just why it annoyed me, but I’ll try my best to explain.

Is this the best message we as RDs can offer? It’s a message of calories in/ calories out. Pick from all food groups! Exercise! Eat smart (as opposed to stupid, I suppose). Personally, I’d run the other way if I were looking for weight management guidance. It feels insulting to intelligent, well-informed readers. And it fails to acknowledge a couple of major points.

1) Actively dieting is not the answer and 2) eating and activity are not simply information-based decisions.

Were the authors thinking readers would respond with “Wow, I had no idea calories and activity were involved?” or “So simple! I’ll just choose from all the healthy food groups! That should work.” Or “Ohhh, it’s about moderation!”

As for BMI

For some, self-acceptance of a weight higher than the population-based weight and BMI charts is in order. A high BMI based on the population charts may be perfectly acceptable for you, if you maintain a healthy lifestyle. Similarly, a normal BMI hardly defines you as healthy (or normal) if your behaviors aren’t so healthy—if you engage in restricting and overeating, use purge behaviors, including compulsive exercise, have a rather restrictive diet, or poor quality intake.

Perhaps instead of having a “Calculate your BMI” ad on their page, they could include a ‘plot your personal BMI’, to help you evaluate whether you’ve been maintaining a healthy pattern over the years; a high BMI at the earliest ages suggests that genetics may play a role in your weight and size. Just as you wouldn’t expect that your shoulders would become narrower or your eyes would change shape, you shouldn’t believe that your BMI percentile should be changing much. Acceptance of this not-so-minor-point may be the best medicine for many!

But if your weight or BMI have been climbing inappropriately, you could use much better guidance than my national organization provided.

So in an effort to redeem them from the pitiful piece, I’m pulling a few thoughts together. Ask yourself:

Is it legitimate to be concerned about your weight? Has it changed inappropriately? Or are you focusing unnecessarily on your weight, the New Year’s phenomena, when really you are a reasonably healthy and fit person? I caught an episode of Sex and the City today at the gym, and Carrie said a most fitting line: “the problem isn’t with your thighs, the problem is with your head.” (This, in response to her friend kvetching about the size of her thighs and her body image.)

If it is legitimate, explore what’s in place, and what needs to change.

Are you aware of your hunger? Do you allow yourself to respond to it, or are you living inside your head, counting calories, or points, or carbs, for instance?

Do you let yourself get to the point of famished, only to overeat, then regret it, then set more rules again, perpetuating this cycle?

Do you eat beyond a comfortable level of fullness? Do you let your black and white thinking get in the way, suggesting that you’ve already blown it, resulting in you throwing in the towel, so to speak? Some CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) may be in order.

Yes, there are other ways to self-soothe.

Or do you eat for comfort—because you’ve had a hard day—or as punishment, because you feel you don’t deserve any better? Maybe you’ve simply given up, feeling that nothing you do can even make a difference.

Are you overeating as a rebound to years or months of restrictive, rules-driven eating? Are you overeating only on ‘forbidden foods’? Time to learn how to work those in with permission to eat all foods that you enjoy—not just those foods that fit ever-so-nicely into the food pyramid! “Eat desserts less often”, the Academy for Nutrition and Dietetics recommendation, is hardly the advice you need. Setting more rules is not the answer.

Must we view desserts as forbidden?

Is your eating chaotic? Do you have balanced meals and snacks? Perhaps some help with planning is in order.

And have I mentioned patience? You've been living with your eating behaviors for a very long time, many years, no doubt. Let's not expect that they will consistently change after just a week or two.

Do you set realistic goals? You’re not stupid—of course you know exercise might help if your activity is low (and your intake is adequate). But maybe the obstacle is your belief that if you don’t have 60 minutes to spend, or can’t sustain exercise at 85% of your target heart rate range that it’s not worth doing any activity! 

Perhaps it's time you acknowledge your frustration—with messages from the media and the medical community, with false promises of quick fixes for your weight, with conflicting messages about what’s the right way to eat, and with insulting guidance from those who should know better. Yes, there is another way, which includes self acceptance and insight about the limits of what you can change. And, a shift to understanding how your thoughts and behaviors play a critical role in your eating.

Your thoughts? Thanks for reading (and in advance for commenting and spreading this advice!)

Diet soda causes weight gain?!

What do you think? Does drinking diet soda cause you to gain weight or not?

Too much diet soda?

This is an old story; the media has summarized some studies done several years back concluding what many of you might fear—something with no calories can make you gain weight. But a look behind the sensationalized headlines showed something else.

Yes, there was a link; more people who drank diet sodas were higher weight. But did drinking diet soda cause it? And were you able to take in this correct conclusion and hold on to it, or do you still fear diet soda?

Oh, this is dangerous. I am not advocating for diet soda consumption! There’s no nutritional merit—no calories, no vitamins or minerals—and it may even have some negative effects. Namely, it may mask your hunger, making it more difficult to trust your need to eat. And large intakes of colas—regardless of type—may pose other consequences such as impacting your bone density. 

But really my intent was not to discuss diet soda. Rather, I’m highlighting this example to prove a couple of points.

Causation vs. correlation

Wasting way too much time on Facebook the other day, a post by a local, experienced dietitian caught my attention: 

“Very interesting research about vitamin D's potential for significantly slowing MS. Adds to the body of research linking higher vitamin D levels with reduced risk for MS.”

The comment was, on the one hand, harmless enough. The dietitian was referencing a recent article—just an abstract, really— presented at a recent medical conference. The abstract summarized the study findings fairly, stating that average, baseline blood levels of vitamin D link with disease symptoms and severity. Those with a lower average level of vitamin D at the start of the study had a worse disease outcome than those that started with higher blood levels.

This may seem subtle to you, but it’s not to me. The RD’s comment about the “potential for vit D to significantly slow MS” is not, in fact, what the article stated. It merely showed a connection, a correlation. Perhaps there’s something about people with MS that utilizes more vit D when there’s more active disease. Or maybe low levels are simply a marker for more disease activity. 

Nowhere did the study state that supplementing with vit D improved the prognosis. I don’t tend to look at the half empty, but I simply didn’t see the hope for vit D’s potential, at least not in this study.

Maybe it’s splitting hairs. I mean she did, in fact, refer to this as a link. But what troubles me—along with the image on the post showing supplements, is what’s implied and therefore what we end up believing. No, vit D supplements have not been shown to reverse or improve the health of those living with MS. But wouldn’t we all like to believe that a magic pill could do that for us—for our MS, for our cancer, for our anorexia, for our weight struggles?

But besides the false hope, there’s the issue of our getting sucked into believing that correlated equals caused. No, diet soda doesn’t cause obesity. But those living with obesity may be more likely to select diet beverages than those who are average weight.

Similarly, maybe you gained a lot of weight when you moved from a gluten free to a regular diet. That doesn’t mean that non gluten free diets cause weight gain. Rather, it may be that while being mindful of your intake—like you do on any diet—you may have seen a weight shift—but not because of what the diet was. But then when you regain the weight, you cling to the belief that the gluten free (or carb free, or fat free or whatever diet) was the reason for your weight loss, and therefore subsequent regain. The regain may have been about overeating following deprivation from denying yourself foods you enjoyed—and not a result of some magic involved with the ingredients you omitted.

Unfortunately, misinformation sticks. And trying to scream and shout that information is wrong only solidifies it as fact.  Misinformation can be dangerous, keeping us stuck in our ways, and preventing us from trusting ourselves. And conflicting info in the media confuses us and leads us believing that nothing we do makes a difference.

So instead, I ask you to question what you read. And challenge educated individuals in the health field about the articles and flashy news snips.

Focus on the facts, and work with your team for concrete ways to counter your unhealthy thinking. I hope this blog helps to set you on a healthy path!

Body Wraps, Toxin Removal and More: What I Learned at the Gym Today

I'd much rather be hiking...

It's hard enough starting at a new gym. Generally, I dislike going to gyms, preferring instead to enjoy a long bike ride, a hike or a cross-country ski or snow shoe when weather permits. But living in New England, there are times, like now, when conditions are simply not favorable for either of those activities.

So off to the gym I went, attending my first spin class of the season, at a new gym with a new instructor. And I could barely get through it. No, I am not that out of spin shape—although those cycling muscles certainly needed a workout. Rather, I was feeling my blood pressure rise as I sat through the marketing pitch and endless misinformation by this supposed promoter of health—the spin instructor.

I'm still headachy from it, so in truth, I am blogging to air my annoyance and frustration.

You know me be now—I am not shy to share my opinions, particularly those I feel strongly about. But this was a challenging setting. Jane, I'll call her—no, Barbie better suits her—stood before the class of about 35 cyclists confidently spewing her crap. Misinformation spilled from her mouth with no objection from the group, until I, a newcomer there, just had to speak up. But it was hardly the forum to debate in, and my rebuttals could be endless if I countered every outrageously false claim about weight loss.

No, neither body wraps nor green
powders will remove body fat.
Sorry!

She endorsed a powder she was selling with her personal testimonial about how she believed it really helped her, as it releases the toxins from the body, those horrible things which fester and cause disease. (Toxins, by the way, are released from our bodies every day, with no need for a product to make it happen.) And it gave her natural energy and promotes weight loss. (For the record, calories are the form of energy we get from foods; a product with no calories has no energy, although you may get a short-term boost from stimulants such as caffeine.) Then I heard her endorsement of the body wraps for sale, which essentially shrink your body a size or so overnight! All without dehydrating you! And finally I learned that you should be drinking half your body weight in ounces of water each day. 300 lbs? That's 150 ounces each day of water, about 5 liters or quarts per day.

So why am I all upset, you ask? Where shall I begin?!

• because while for me it was simply an irritation (and a big one at that), I know how others will be lured by this misinformation, sold products with false claims, sucked into unhealthy thinking and potentially dangerous supplements; more misinformation makes sensible thoughts a challenge;
• because she was speaking to a group of completely normal weight individuals, none of whom could afford to lose weight;
• because no one should be sucking down water or non-caloric beverages instead of eating when they need fuel, simply to mask their hunger;
• because she's setting people up for failure and unrealistic goals, luring them for her personal financial gain, to buy a product, in the case of the wrap, that at best may contribute to a decrease in hydration for a temporary appearance or short-lived sensation of lightness;
• because if we each spoke up every time we heard something we know to be false or inaccurate, then maybe we could make a difference!

Yet another gym promotion. Uggh!

There, I feel so much better now. I think I'll go have dinner, now that I can more calmly and peacefully enjoy it.

Thanks for letting me rant!

Obsessive Workouts and Protein Powders: How Concerned Should We Be?

Reactions to the NY Times article and the Pediatrics study on teens and muscle-enhancing behaviors.

I'm bothered by something I read. "Compared with a sedentary lifestyle of video games and TV, an obsession with working out may not quite qualify as a health hazard", as stated in last week's NY Times article. While the article brought to light the silent struggle many boys deal with—or rather, don't deal with—their obsession with weight training, dietary modification and steroid use to achieve the 'perfect' body—it failed big time in educating readers about when to be concerned, and what we can do to prevent this unhealthy trend. But this is not just about boys—the Pediatrics article identified that girls, too, are taking steroids and more frequently protein shakes to increase muscle mass while pushing activity.

Yes, teens, both boys and girls, have become more focused on increasing their muscle mass. "Strong is the new skinny" is a current sentiment; neither being healthy nor slim is good enough. The bar has been raised necessitating increased muscle mass to change one's appearance. And the price they pay is far greater than suggested in the Times' quote above.

Lean and muscular, yes, but nor much of a sex drive!

But how big a deal is it if a teen—or an adult—takes a supplement or pushes their training to change their appearance? The actual study, in my humble opinion, did little to differentiate unhealthy disordered behaviors from more innocuous ones. What's the issue with weight training to increase muscle mass, any way? What's the harm in your taking a protein shake to bulk up your muscle a bit? (Steroid use is another story, and that is well addressed in the Times article.)

If you're like twenty-three year old Nathan, it's quite a big deal. He relied on the gym-endorsed protein powders, "to promote muscle growth". All things high in protein were considered safe—if they were also very low fat. Despite my urging to reduce his exceedingly high protein intake, and to liberalize his intake of fats and carbohydrate, his kidneys began to fail, struggling to filter the extraordinarily large load of protein waste products. His thoughts were all consumed with when he'd be able to get to the gym and when and what he'd be eating next.

But this is not solely a male thing, as the Pediatrics study shows. Girls, though, are more likely to modify their diet, while boys will increase their gym training to 'meet their needs'.

And what if it were high in carbs?

Like Karen, you may be spending more and more time at the gym while restricting your intake, ultimately finding it too stressful to live life with school and work demands, along with your rigid workout regimen.

Certainly, drinking protein supplements is not itself a cause for alarm. But relying on shakes in lieu of real food is. It impacts our ability to socialize, to be flexible in eating situations and to get all that we need nutritionally. A diet devoid of fats and carbohydrate will be deficient in much-needed nutrients, and typically in calories. A sense of deprivation often results, accompanied by obsessive thinking about food and eating and weight.

As for the workouts, where do we draw the line about what is healthy and safe, and what is excessive? If you're in a community of triathaloners, marathon runners or iron men/women, a few hours at the gym will seem inconsequential. 

But is it driven by a preoccupation and distortion that anything short of a few hours will leave you fat or unfit? Many of my patients believe falsely that working out is always a good thing. Nothing can be further from the truth. When intake is inadequate, working out not only won't build muscle mass, it will help break down muscle to convert it to fuel! And when net intake is substantially less than need (either because of very high activity or low intake) metabolic rate slows down, so you burn fewer calories 24/7. Certainly not what you intended!

Surprisingly, there was no mention of the low testosterone levels that result in males, similar to the drop in hormones seen in females with anorexia. Tell this to those boys and it might motivate for change. Sex drive drops, facial hair diminishes and risks to bone density increase as well. For boys in their growing years—which might last until 18 or 19 years—the consequence may be stunted growth. And the opportunity for catch up is lost once the bone growth plates have closed. Most boys and girls do care about their height, but do they realize this may result?

And what messages are we conveying to our kids with their school BMI screenings? Are we faulting them for their high BMI (which will remain high as muscle mass increases and height fails to increase)? Or are we fairly looking at an increasing BMI percentile for that individual as a possible marker for unhealthy behaviors—be it steroid use resulting in rapidly increasing muscle mass or binge eating? Are we presenting being obese as so horrific that even if their behaviors are healthy, we tell them they need to lose weight? Is a drop in BMI in an overweight child healthy if they starved themselves or compulsively exercised to get there? 

Shouldn't we be screening with questions about thoughts and behaviors, not just BMI?

Are we reinforcing their interest in fitness because we perceive it as healthy—no matter what? Do we share the same distorted views about all things protein-rich being "good" while villainizing carbohydrate-rich grains and fat-rich foods, too? Are we contributing to the misinformation they hold fast to? Why don't we recognize that there is sometimes pathological thinking and behaviors that drive extended workouts and dietary changes?

I don't have the answers.  But I do know that we are influenced by cultural standards of beauty, and that these images have become more and more unattainable. Yes, without steroids, you can't possibly bulk up like many of your weight-lifting role models, nor can you be both healthy and low weight as the air-brushed magazine pics would lead you to believe.

Something has to change. And it can start with you. Add your comment. Share this piece. Counter misinformation and acknowledge unhealthy behaviors—even when society fails to.

Consider these older posts for more information on topics covered in this post:

http://dropitandeat.blogspot.com/2010/07/daily-exercise-is-must-or-so-you-think.html

http://dropitandeat.blogspot.com/2012/03/protein-new-black.html