FB and your diet, weight, fitness & happiness: A cautionary post about comparing.

Everyone is so happy. And doing so well, always having a great time. They’re all eating amazing food and managing their weight. They all look so healthy, too. And their kids are always smiling—they have the perfect families. Everyone else is so good at exercising—Map My Ride/Run and other apps prove they’re doing so much better than you running and cycling and walking. Yes, by comparison you hardly rate.

Hardly his happiest or his best mug shot.
Posted with permission.

Or so it seems.

It was quite timely that my patient whom I’ll call Beth, described her frustration having spent too many hours on Facebook. (Imagine that. Spending too much time on social media.)  She saw far too many ‘friends’’ photos displaying beach-bound bodies with a confidence she doesn’t possess. Like those ‘before and afters’ from diet ads from Diet Center and Weight Watchers (where the print too small to read confesses that these images are of rarely occurring weight loss that normal people don’t usually experience nor maintain in the real world) they showed what everyone else was capable of—except for her. These photos of Beth’s friends and acquaintance were beautiful—looking slimmer, happier and more fit than her for sure. 

Or so it seemed.

These pictures of friends struggling
 hardly get seen.

Ok. Raise your hands if you post pictures of yourself that you'd rather destroy. Right. We only post our best shots, the ones that get the ‘likes’, right? And we surely don’t see people throughout the day, at all times, when they may be looking their worst—like we see ourselves. No early morning “I-just-rolled-out-of-bed” shots posted on FB.  And did you know that some ‘friends’ even use apps which photoshop their pictures, like they do in magazines with airbrushing? Yes, it’s even possible that some pictures you’re thinking are real have been touched up. 

Comparison is a tricky business. You only see a small slice of a person’s life, of what’s really going on. The rest, no doubt, is projection. They ‘seem’ happy, or healthy, or content. But maybe it’s just how it appears. Their exercise level may be awesome, or excessive or a rare event advertised to their Facebook friends.

No, these imperfections don't make
it to FB.

Your friend who’s lost all that weight may have cancer, or may be struggling with anxiety and depression, causing her to feel anything but happy. Or fit. Or relaxed. The bikini clad acquaintance may be so preoccupied with what she believes she can and can’t eat that she hardly enjoys herself at the beach, or when she dines out, or even when at home deciding what she could possible have for lunch.

Yet another recent study showed that using social media can have a negative impact on our eating behaviors including binging, purging and using diet-pills. “Both online physical appearance comparison and online fat talk were associated with greater disordered eating” the study by Dr. Bulik and colleagues showed. Without the comparing, however, greater Facebook use was associated with decreased disordered eating behavior. So it’s all how you use it. "Comparison is the thief of joy"--I can't agree more with this quote attributed to Theodore Roosevelt.

Looking neither happy, nor energized.
I was actually quite miserable here.

Maybe it’s time to challenge your Facebook and social media friends. Are they capable of posting a picture where they don’t look so awesome? Can they post the ride or run where their speed was less than impressive?  I doubt that most can bring themselves to do so—but wouldn’t that change things?

I’d love to hear what you think. So please leave a comment! And thanks for reading.

Essential Weight Loss Tips? There Has to be a Better Way.

A winter storm has its risks. The biggest? It keeps me home with time on my hands trolling the Twitter feeds and Facebook messages. I read, filter my thoughts, read, filter, read—and then I can’t take it any more and feel the need to speak out. Earlier, I tweeted: ‘The only #cleanse you should be doing is a facial one. You know, soap & water or alternative. GI cleanses are disordered’, after reading an MD’s unintelligent praise of ‘cleanses’ (in quotations, because there’s nothing cleansing except your perception that you are removing those treacherous toxins.)

Then I came upon my professional organization’s tweet, “If you're hoping to lose weight before winter's end, these tips can help!” with this link. http://www.eatright.org/Public/content.aspx?id=6847

It’s hard for me to say just why it annoyed me, but I’ll try my best to explain.

Is this the best message we as RDs can offer? It’s a message of calories in/ calories out. Pick from all food groups! Exercise! Eat smart (as opposed to stupid, I suppose). Personally, I’d run the other way if I were looking for weight management guidance. It feels insulting to intelligent, well-informed readers. And it fails to acknowledge a couple of major points.

1) Actively dieting is not the answer and 2) eating and activity are not simply information-based decisions.

Were the authors thinking readers would respond with “Wow, I had no idea calories and activity were involved?” or “So simple! I’ll just choose from all the healthy food groups! That should work.” Or “Ohhh, it’s about moderation!”

As for BMI

For some, self-acceptance of a weight higher than the population-based weight and BMI charts is in order. A high BMI based on the population charts may be perfectly acceptable for you, if you maintain a healthy lifestyle. Similarly, a normal BMI hardly defines you as healthy (or normal) if your behaviors aren’t so healthy—if you engage in restricting and overeating, use purge behaviors, including compulsive exercise, have a rather restrictive diet, or poor quality intake.

Perhaps instead of having a “Calculate your BMI” ad on their page, they could include a ‘plot your personal BMI’, to help you evaluate whether you’ve been maintaining a healthy pattern over the years; a high BMI at the earliest ages suggests that genetics may play a role in your weight and size. Just as you wouldn’t expect that your shoulders would become narrower or your eyes would change shape, you shouldn’t believe that your BMI percentile should be changing much. Acceptance of this not-so-minor-point may be the best medicine for many!

But if your weight or BMI have been climbing inappropriately, you could use much better guidance than my national organization provided.

So in an effort to redeem them from the pitiful piece, I’m pulling a few thoughts together. Ask yourself:

Is it legitimate to be concerned about your weight? Has it changed inappropriately? Or are you focusing unnecessarily on your weight, the New Year’s phenomena, when really you are a reasonably healthy and fit person? I caught an episode of Sex and the City today at the gym, and Carrie said a most fitting line: “the problem isn’t with your thighs, the problem is with your head.” (This, in response to her friend kvetching about the size of her thighs and her body image.)

If it is legitimate, explore what’s in place, and what needs to change.

Are you aware of your hunger? Do you allow yourself to respond to it, or are you living inside your head, counting calories, or points, or carbs, for instance?

Do you let yourself get to the point of famished, only to overeat, then regret it, then set more rules again, perpetuating this cycle?

Do you eat beyond a comfortable level of fullness? Do you let your black and white thinking get in the way, suggesting that you’ve already blown it, resulting in you throwing in the towel, so to speak? Some CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) may be in order.

Yes, there are other ways to self-soothe.

Or do you eat for comfort—because you’ve had a hard day—or as punishment, because you feel you don’t deserve any better? Maybe you’ve simply given up, feeling that nothing you do can even make a difference.

Are you overeating as a rebound to years or months of restrictive, rules-driven eating? Are you overeating only on ‘forbidden foods’? Time to learn how to work those in with permission to eat all foods that you enjoy—not just those foods that fit ever-so-nicely into the food pyramid! “Eat desserts less often”, the Academy for Nutrition and Dietetics recommendation, is hardly the advice you need. Setting more rules is not the answer.

Must we view desserts as forbidden?

Is your eating chaotic? Do you have balanced meals and snacks? Perhaps some help with planning is in order.

And have I mentioned patience? You've been living with your eating behaviors for a very long time, many years, no doubt. Let's not expect that they will consistently change after just a week or two.

Do you set realistic goals? You’re not stupid—of course you know exercise might help if your activity is low (and your intake is adequate). But maybe the obstacle is your belief that if you don’t have 60 minutes to spend, or can’t sustain exercise at 85% of your target heart rate range that it’s not worth doing any activity! 

Perhaps it's time you acknowledge your frustration—with messages from the media and the medical community, with false promises of quick fixes for your weight, with conflicting messages about what’s the right way to eat, and with insulting guidance from those who should know better. Yes, there is another way, which includes self acceptance and insight about the limits of what you can change. And, a shift to understanding how your thoughts and behaviors play a critical role in your eating.

Your thoughts? Thanks for reading (and in advance for commenting and spreading this advice!)

Self-parenting and your relationship with food.

Because you’re more than just dust and ashes.

How long could you have stayed in bed
with this look?

I was lying in bed contemplating this long overdue post, when he started to whine. “I’ll be up soon, go lie down”, I barked to my canine. If he really needed to go out or to eat, I knew I’d hear from him again soon. And so he hunkered down, curling up comfortably in his bed. And I scored one in an attempt to get my needs met, namely more desperately needed sleep.

Only my head was too filled with other things. There’s this post to write, for instance, and food shopping to do, household chores, and… So my need for sleep was bypassed.

And what does this have to do with you?

Get a little help from your friends.

Most of you, it seems, struggle with meeting your needs or are dependent on others to realize your needs. But I don’t mean simply your nutrient needs.

Regardless of your age, you need parenting of sorts. Or call it nurturing. And compassion. And validation. And if you no longer have parents, or your parents don’t rise to the occasion to provide these necessary supports, then you need to find them elsewhere—from your friends, your community, your providers. And you need to provide them for yourself.

Where’s the compassion? 

Can’t we treat ourselves they way we wish others would have treated us? Can’t we say things to ourselves like the supportive words we say (or wish we would say) to our close friends and loved ones? Consider this:

“A person should have two pieces of paper, one in each pocket, to be used as necessary. On one of them [is written] ‘The world was created for me,’ and on the other, ‘I am dust and ashes.’” 
–Reb Simhah Bunim, Przysucha Poland, (1765-1827)

You just might need to give yourself a hug.

I’ve always loved this saying, which emphasizes the need to be neither too haughty and self important nor to minimize your value in the world. The problem, though, is that most clients I see struggling with eating issues err on the side of focusing on the ‘dust and ashes’.

Must you, must we, dismiss the positives, focusing only on our failures? You are not just making excuses seeking to justify your behaviors, when you acknowledge your positives. Understanding informs you where you need to go next, where the barriers need to be broken.

Where’s your voice? 

I realize I have little experience with this one, as I learned a style of communicating that perhaps errs on the side of over vocal. I know, I know, filtering has its benefits. But keeping your thoughts and feelings inside does nothing to aid your relationship with food. It festers (I love this word), defined as eats away, gnaws away, putrefies, becomes infected).

Sure, you can plan what you’re going to eat, and you may follow through. You can organize your eating, and that surely helps. But failing to release those pent up thoughts and feelings only contributes to your struggle with food. Because overeating or food restriction—yes either one—can feel like the antibiotic that remedies the problem. Only the disorder has become resistant to this so-called antibiotic, and is ineffective as a long-term treatment.

The way I see it, communicating is a necessary component of recovery. But if you aren’t yet up for speaking your thoughts, at least express them—through journaling, music or art. Be creative—there’s not a right way to release what you are holding inside.

Not even aware of what you’re feeling? Just starting the creative process may make you aware. Or maybe you need one of these to identify your emotions.

Where’s the self-acceptance? 

Self-acceptance doesn’t mean staying stuck. It isn’t synonymous with accepting that you just can’t change the way things are. Rather, it means accepting what’s in your hands to change and knowing when you need to gather the supports to help you move on. It means setting realistic goals given the trauma work you’re doing, or the crises at home or the multiple hats you’re wearing day-to-day. It means appreciating even a gradual move in a healthier direction, versus viewing your progress as all or nothing.

He's got me at last.And we both really need it.

I think I’ll go snuggle with my dog now. He needs it. And I could use it too on this rainy, dreary day. The laundry and shopping will just have to wait.