Pages

Sunday, July 29, 2012

Forgetting to Remember: The Key Obstacle to Eating Disorder Recovery


In Memory of a Lost Patient.


Maybe it’s because I was taught never to forget. I was instructed to mark days for the sole purpose of remembering—the anniversary of a loved one’s passing, a date of destruction of a holy site, or the attempted annihilation of my people throughout history. Recalling a negative occurrence, as I’ve learned, has much value. 

I’m not suggesting dwelling on it, as a kind of “woe is me” way of existing, thinking catastrophe may strike at any time! But remembering negative events reminds us of our good fortune to be where we’re at, to appreciate all we have, all we have survived. And it reminds us we need to be anything but passive to ensure that we do our part to prevent future damage and disaster.

And what does this have to do with you, my dear readers? Everything! If you read Drop It And Eat for support with your eating and your health, for the sake of changing your relationship with food, then forgetting to remember is a key obstacle to your progress. Are you a dieter or a restrictive eater? A binge eater or someone stuck in a purge mode? Your memory is essential to breaking out of the trap you’re in.

Here’s why.

When you are restricting you may focus on the high you get, how empowered you feel—yet forget that it is but a fleeting feeling. Rather, the restricting has landed you with rebound overeating or disappointment with subsequent weight regain.

Alternatively, you achieve your “success”, and the restriction continues, only to result in symptoms, health risks and hospitalizations.  You forget the lightheadedness, the risk when driving alone or with those in your charge. You fail to acknowledge that fuzzy headedness and the fact that slowed thinking is not your norm.

Maybe if you remembered that weight loss didn’t itself bring you happiness, that goal weights were a moving target. That no weight was ever low enough, and that it never made you feel good enough.
You’ve forgotten that the isolation from friends and detachment from those you love was a hefty price.

You’ve forgotten how scary it is to vomit blood, to see the veins pop in your eyes—but instead you simply focus on the risk of keeping those extra calories in.

You get so used to living in a substandard way, not functioning at full capacity, that you forget what life could be like—the potential you truly have to make a difference, to even one person you care about.

Before the memory is gone, recall it. When you are considering rigid dieting or the need to purge, think about what you know. When you are thinking you already blew it, that it hardly matters what you do at this point, consider where that has gotten you. Was the action worth it? Did it really achieve your intended goal? Is this how you want your life to be?

Do not forget that your thoughts used to be spent on passions and hobbies, on family and on learning—not singularly on calories and carbs, and pounds and numbers, on shoulds and shouldn’ts.

Remember that you are worth it, that you have made a difference and that it is not too late to change your eating behaviors.

This post is written in memory of my one patient who left this world too soon, well on her way to recovery from her bulimia, but struggling with her bipolar disorder. Her memory inspires me to do my part in eating disorder recovery.

16 comments:

  1. Thank you for this post. It brought me to tears. I have been working very hard for the past few weeks in order to help regain some ground after my recent relapse and its been a struggle. When stuck in the horrible grips of anorexia its easy to just focus on how its "helping" me at the time, but over the last month I have been forced to remember and see the consequences as well as the destruction and its heartbreaking.

    Thank you so much for this post and all that you do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hopefully these tears brought you to action, to get back on track and turn things around.

      Delete
    2. I plan on printing this post out as a reminder. Everyday, especially in the moments where the ed is super loud, I think of something that I can't do while being super stuck in the disorder. Mostly I think about my love for children, my desire to have kids of my own some day and my passion for helping people. Being recently engaged I think about my fiance and all of our plans for the future. Giving up ed behaviors that I have used on and off for 10 years for comfort is difficult, but I'm starting to realize that I'm stronger than I think and am seeking help from my treatment team, family and friends instead of restriction and a scale.

      Delete
  2. Lori,
    Have you ever written a post on the comorbidity between eating disorders and mental illness such as bipolar disorder or OCD? I have ODC and developed anorexia. When I was deep in my eating disorder my anxiety from my ocd went down but now that I am in recovery it has skyrocketed. I just wondered if you see many patients dealing with similar issues?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The frequent coexistence of eating disorders with depression, anxiety, OCD to name a few, is well known. I did address what you describe in a post about the wac-a-mole game: http://dropitandeat.blogspot.com/2012/02/youre-only-cheating-yourself.html. It strikes me that when eating disorder symptoms settle down, people start to feel things they'd perhaps rather not feel. I suspect this may play a role in increasing these other comorbidities, particularly if other coping skills are not in place.

      That said, it can go both ways. When eating is improved in anorexic individuals, the obsessive thoughts settle down. Eating disorders are so variable, as are the reasons for them starting and being maintained--it would be foolish of me to attempt to oversimplify--but I hope this helps.

      Delete
  3. All I can say is, "thank you."

    ReplyDelete
  4. My friend's sister just died from anorexia a week ago. Sad.

    Anyway, it's hard to remember those things when you're brain is spiraling out of control...when you're thinking, I have to go to the gym. I have to burn these calories, I can't eat the rest of the day, etc. It's like the brain takes over and you can't remember all of those other things.

    ReplyDelete
  5. If your brain is stopping you from functioning intelligently,then someone needs to step in and assist--a parent or family member, a friend or treatment team member--and ensure you are getting the necessary and appropriate level of care. You are right--rational thought is quite challenging when your brain is ruminating in a disordered way. Sadly, your friend and you are well aware of the consequences.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Luckily my brain doesn't spiral out of control all that much.

    ReplyDelete
  7. This: "You get so used to living in a substandard way" YES! I totally agree! That's soooo what happens when people have eating disorders - especially when they've had them for years and years... you get used to substandard, which is sooo sad.

    I feel sad for all the people who have lost their lives (both literally and just lost their "good life") to eating disorders. It really makes me deeply sad.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, there's dying and then there's giving up the potential for living life.

      Delete
  8. An extremely well-written, thought-provoking offering on your part Lori...I am definitely printing this and sharing it with my loved ones. Your comments regarding how this affects not only the "we" afflicted with anorexia or other EDs...but on those we cherish and love. I am horrified to admit to having actually driven my car..with loved ones inside, from point A to point B...not quite sure (in the midst of "brain fog" or running on "slo-mo")if I was capable of arriving at the destination. Frightening. Thank you for the wake-up call Lori.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, it's better to have the wakeup call before it's too late!
      Thanks for commenting!

      Delete
  9. Hi Lori, I just stumbled upon your blog via twitter and have been reading non-stop, and I cannot thank you enough for being the advocating, compassionate, honest, and undoubtedly knowledgeable writer and dietician that you are...and you are doing a great service to so many struggling by keeping up with your blog. I have been in and out of treatment centers and struggling with my eating disorder for the past five years (and am determined to not let 5, 10, 30 years slip by while in the ED's grips), anyway after a ~5 month relapse I went back to my RD and was honest and committed to staying accountable. However, this is the first time I have attempted recovery relatively on my own as opposed to going into a residential program where I can be nurtured, supported, fed, compliant with meds...etc. Reflecting on my history and relapses post-treatment I am finally realizing that my recovery will not be lasting unless *I* take responsibility for myself and wellbeing. I don't believe in being saved, I believe in support and love, but no one can save me, so I've stopped seeking external solutions and formulas, and trying to muster up the courage to push myself through to the other side and in turn help others. Sorry for the tangent, this comment is actually just a thank you for the extra support when I feel especially stressed, insecure, lonely, and misunderstood...so thank you and I will be passing on your blog to others, you're great!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Stumbled upon your blog by accident when I googled a Weight Watchers question. How ironic is that? I started reading and knew that you were right about everything you say. I didn't think anybody knew what I went through to try to manage my weight- which I can't ever seem to do. I always thought that when I starting dieting back in high school was when everything went wrong and the excessive thoughts took over my life and my relationship with food took on an "all or none" perspective. I'm so thankful for your work and your writing. Maybe after 30 some years I can find healing.

    ReplyDelete