Over 30 or 40 and Struggling? You're Not Alone!

You carpool, cook and shop. You work at home without pay—childrearing, cleaning, managing the household—and perhaps at your job professionally. Universally bright, you are seemingly well-functioning to those who know you, at least superficially. Yet you’re ignorant about your own needs on so many levels. You’ve successfully gotten pregnant, and produced healthy children. Then proceed to ensure that everyone’s needs get met. That is, except your own. Most of you are in your 30’s, 40’s and 50’s. But some are still struggling into their 70’s. Yes, seventies.

You are my closest friends, from college and beyond, and my local acquaintances. You are my patients recently seeking care, and those struggling for a lifetime. And you are my blog followers from Australia to New Zealand.

And you have all managed to slip through the cracks for way too long, failing to get the help you so badly need, to acknowledge your eating struggle. You’ve successfully deceived family, denied concerns from friends, as well as the medical community, when they’ve had the occasional sense to ask.

In some ways, you are the riskiest ones. You see adult practitioners who are largely uneducated about eating disorders. And so they don’t know to ask the questions. And you certainly won’t volunteer the information. Instead, you get praised for your runner’s pulse and your low blood pressure, and for avoiding the middle age spread.

Usual signs of an eating disorder fall short in flagging you as at risk. Perimenopause or excessive exercise easily ”justify” a lack of menstruation. Low energy? Who wouldn’t be, with changes in sleep patterns associated with age. And besides, you function so well given the juggling that you do!

But let’s be real. We know each other too well. Please don’t minimize your disorder, attributing your eating issues simply to anxiety; selecting diet sodas and choosing a fat-free salad without the bread is a giveaway. And no, eating a breakfast or missing your exercise does not justify meal skipping.

Please don’t tell me it’s because you have a small frame, when you have never before maintained a size zero. And when XS-sized clothes slip off of you. No, there is nothing normal about being a zero.

Please don’t tell me “but I do eat!” when you know as well as I that it takes more than simply eating. Yes, it requires eating enough to support a healthy weight and a healthy body.

I’ve heard you say I’m just not hungry. And I know that’s honest and true. But you fill the voids with coffees and diet beverages. And with food restriction the hunger cues get lost. And so you really don’t feel hungry. And your anxiety, disordered thoughts and body image don’t make it any easier.

Please don’t suggest that you need your exercise to stay healthy and fit. You are only deceiving yourself. Physical activity supports health, but only when you fuel your body with adequate nourishment. Otherwise, you will slow your metabolic rate and suffer the many symptoms I’ve referred to above. And the very muscle you hope to build will be burned as fuel. It takes adequate calories from carbohydrate, protein and fat to fuel your body and maintain health.

Regardless of your absolute weight—even if it is in the normal range—if your thoughts and behaviors are disordered, there’s work to be done! You can be in the normal weight range or overweight while restricting and binging. That is no way to live.

And what impact is your eating having on those you care about, in particular, your children? Do you unintentionally, through your minimal food intake, convey what normal is? Do you role model denial using diet products or guzzling water when you are hungry, versus honoring your body’s cry for fuel? Do you send the message that food is the enemy? Do you set unrealistic goals for yourself as well as your children, suggesting avoidance of pleasurable foods, with lists of good versus bad foods to eat? Perhaps, simply passing on to another generation the very distorted messages you were raised on?

Loved ones read here

If you are a loved one wondering what the big fuss is, consider this. Restrictive eating consumes our thoughts and distorts our reality. It makes us irritable and contributes to depression and anxiety. It leads to social isolation, and contributes to losing one’s voice, so to speak. It’s numbing and protective, but impacts your loved one’s quality of life, and zaps her potential. It can lead to nutritional deficiencies, dehydration, muscle wasting, cardiac and renal issues. And ultimately, it can lead to death. And it impacts not only your loved one, but your children.

What do I do now?
It's not too late to change. I've seen it. It will be challenging, but it can be done. But don't put it off.

First, own it. Acknowledge that you are struggling with nourishing yourself.

Use your resources. Educate your spouse or significant other. Check out websites such as http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org, www.somethingfishy.org and www.medainc.org, as well as the many other online resources.

Enlighten your MD. She relies on you to share to appropriately guide you.

Seek out a therapist to help you understand why this pattern of eating and thinking is helping you meet some needs. Then learn alternative ways of coping to slowly let the eating disorder go.

See a Registered Dietitian experienced with eating disorders to help you reality check abut your needs compared to your perceptions. Get correct information to allay your fears of change, and the consequences of failing to do so. A good RD will let you work on baby steps, while ensuring you stay safe.


And if you are not yet in the age range I describe, consider the writing on the wall. Where do you want to be in five years? In ten? Please take this post as a wake up call for change.

Share this post with your supports. And pass it on to anyone you know who might benefit from this wake up call. Spread it on Twitter, Reddit, Facebook, Stumble upon or simply via email.

I do care what you have to say, so please leave a comment!